In September of 1986 our son was due to be born. We followed God's leading to move to Georgia so we could work in a church where we stayed exactly three years to the day.

During the time there my physical health and state of mind failed to the advanced stage of Major Depression with enzyme deficiency. My brain could not receive messages properly which put a strain on my heart. It eventually led to a season of insanity.

In my case one might think I was given a special measure of grace. Not so. It was simply His common grace at an uncommon time, because His grace itself pours out as much as needs to be; but I know now God left the faucet running for me.

The spout had to be at least five feet 8 inches wide to cover me from head to feet, because I stayed so flat on my back!

Advance Major Depression caused a total loss of memory recall along with panic spells and anger fits of rage that led to uncontrolled crying stages. I would beat the floor in an attempt to stop crying but couldn't. I'd walk the yard kicking super Hugh pine cones that always fell close to my head.

The place we had rented was full of Lob Lolly Pines and at the time I hated them! When I got angry I'd kick them into giant piles!

My condition got so bad until I couldn't even rise from a chair. At one point, after being left alone, I couldn't rise from my chair for three days and nights.

A sawed off twelve gaged shot gun loaded with 3 inch magnum, single aught buck shot was held in my arms the whole time. I went from a Youth Pastor to a poor state of existence.

The pastor there was my room mate at Texas Bible College. We had shared the same apartment for three years. My testimony had spread far and wide across the US States and in other countries. Now I sat with a shot gun in my lap, pondering the path of self murder.

Carmen by then had left back to Louisiana to take her and our son to safety to her mother's home, because of my continuance of shooting holes all through the trailer.

I was the one who told her to leave, having enough insight left to fear for their safety; not that I actually intended to harm anyone but I was chasing shadows in the closets I thought were "Hounds from Hell" that I actually believed I was seeing, and the lead was bouncing off the walls.

It was because I dearly loved her and my son that I ordered her to leave for safety's sake. She didn't want to, but did as I insisted.

My pastor friend had became too concerned with appearances, legalism, and if everybody was paying all their tithes and the such that 6 couples besides us, (including the Asso. Pastor, his brother-in-law), left the church or backslid all at once.

I was left with the thought of taking an overdose of some illegally obtained pills so I could quietly lie down and die.

It was my sincere desire to die and I acted on it. My last thought was the mental prayer: "Goodnight Jesus. I've had enough! Either help me Lord..please...by giving me a reason to wake up or allow me to die?!"

I was too done in to even voice it.

Sometime later a bird began flapping at my window, pecking away so hard it awoke me in a rage! I tried to move but I was so sluggish I could barely lift my arms.

I realized I was still alive and that thought alone made me more angry, so I tried to continue my death sleep.

The bird got more violent and it sounded as if it might break the glass!

The thought occurred, "The bullet holes in the floor are hidden from the Landlord's view by throw rugs but if I live, a broken window will cost me money I don't have! I'm gonna kill that bird!"

It was the thought of killing that bird that raised me out of bed. I mustered enough strength to lift one leg in front of the other so I could get my shotgun! I stood for a moment to watch the bird just before I was going to blast it.

I watched as the Bird flapped it's wings and pecked the glass until I started cursing it.

As I watched the bird something strange occurred. I went into some sort of trance, which wasn't that uncommon in my case at the time, but there was something different about this one!

As I was trancing away the holy presence of God met with me in a soothing manner which put me in peace.

Once I snapped out of it I said, "Ok little bird, I'm giving you a chance to live. Now fly away!"

At that very statement I realized I too had been given another chance to live! "Wow what if God saw me as I see this bird; a pest! What if He wanted to blow me away?"

I can't remember anything else about that day but the hours of beating the floor with tears, until I slung my body back into bed.

The morning after I was again awakened by the bird at my window. Again I cursed it, desiring to kill it, without any recall as to the thoughts from the day before.

Just before attempting to kill the bird I went into another Godly trance where I was met by the heavenly Father's presence.

I couldn't tie the two together and checked to see if the bird was attempting to make a nest near the window. If so I was going to tear it apart. No signs of a nest were seen.

I no longer wished to die, but my level of energy was so low I went back to bed after the bird finally departed. I thought about that bird and wondered if it could be some sort of sign as a result of my death wish prayer.

On the morning of the third day the same occurrences began until while in the trance something dawned upon my thick head. The bird was blessed to be a blessing unto me! It was impressed upon me to begin offering God praises instead of filling my world with curses.

As I came out of the third trace I began offering praises to God, along with thanking Him for that specific bird. I even began speaking to the bird, telling it what a good bird it was! "Thank you for doing what God told you to do Mr Mocking bird! I'm really sorry I cursed you today." I recall saying.

I had become accustomed to his sound. I had awaken! I remembered having prayed to be awakened and then I began to remember cursing the bird on those other days. Suddenly it was clear that my recall was being sharpened. It felt good to actually remember something!

Something different was beginning to happen! My mind began to feel more alert; less bogged with the weight of the blankness that had hovered over me for about eight months. I saw the love of God in that bird at my window. ..cont...

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